weird and terrible revelations

i think i might be happy, even though im not really supposed to be.

no seriously

right now im sitting in an abbandoned office in this building that smells like old with vines traipsing across the outside, all twisted like cats cradle tied around your fingers. there is no noise, only footsteps. i talked to will for an hour before my phone, and i sat next to randoms in all of my classes. i like people and inconsequential conversations and smiles and looking people in the eye under red umbrellas. for some reason after this whole best friend fiasco i havent said im sorry yet

i always say im sorry

but the last 400 times its made me feel worse. because im not sorry, i'm just covering for my reactions to having been hurt or humiliated or pissed off in order to save someone else from being guilty or hurt. Sometimes i don't deal with stuff, i don't answer phones, and i just sleep for a million years or untill life feels manageable. i'm not saying THIS is the way to be, that i am a model of conflict resolution or stress management. fuck no. i just feel like i have a right to react and to feel and i don't have to always be considerate of other people's feelings before i consider mine.

And to be completely honest id rather be alone, with paint between my fingers, and a few people who i love than have friends who make me feel terrible.

no more door matness, dont care what this means i lose, whether its certain friends, a nice reputation, a consistent seat in a class, i gain my self back. im really excited

and there'a still people who i love, who even though we live in slightly different worlds somehow manage to make me smile whenever i see them (laura, veronica, sera, karly, claire, brad, will, dylan,)

i feel lucky to have overlapped lives with all of you :)