she can't feel it when he touches her face she's eternally numb to everything.

when she was young she used to dust for fingerprints on every banister she couldn't trust,

when she was young she used to look at the rain through her polaroid and once she even saw the eclipse and she twisted her fingers together and crumpled like a paper swan in the front yard, she was so overcome with feeling that she couldn't contain it.

she was prone to blacking out, to crying and drinking glasses of wine till she went blind.

Last week she gave away everything that meant anything so her walls are empty, she has a looking glass, she has a box full of keys to things she swears she will sometimes find but has never found as of yet, she has a kaleidescope and a picture of the eclipse taped to the emptiness above her window.

she has no middle fingers, she has no wedding rings, and no secrets. she is wrapped up in wallpaper, she eclipses with the silence.

i love you, sufjan.

i have this feeling that something terrible is going to happen and the world will explode in earthquakes and everyone will forget how to say i love you and the walls will corrode and we'll all be insufferably, inescapably, cold.

funfunfun and awkward altercations in ravines, new and exciting randoms, stolen slurpees, and i still havent started studying :)

me and mine and you and yours but what happens when these become indistinguishable?

i saw hundreds of exotic birds today, their wings hit the ceiling and sometimes they'd fall and hit the floor without making a

sound

also i saw the park and miles and miles of skyscrapers cutting into the blue blue sky

also i had to breathe through your fingers because cold air scrapes against my lungs like letter openers and i guess this is why im such an invalid from december to february.

also i finally confessed to you that i have no faith in people and you're human and i'm human so how is this ever going to work? you said i have to have faith in me, and you'll have to have faith in you i guess and that's all there is.

you can make sense of the nonsensical

i am missing my copy of perks of being a wallflower

i am selfish and i always want you to stay

"line them up against the wall and i'll buy a gun"
"oh don't worry, we have one at home. We're willing to lend it out."

i love stolen snippets of conversation

love

make your love too wild for words

also i love jack white like a little brother

oh and also

you're the yellow bird that i've been waiting for

must. begin. studying. okay.

young snake's got my name

nyah nyah nyah

and we all become who we want to be, we just don't notice when it happens or how or when and we can never predict who's going to end up next to us in the polaroids.

clean sheets and ice on windows and footsteps that don't make a sound and im always forgetting my camera and downtown and thousand hours of shopping and lady gaga and christmas lights and driving in circles because destinations arent always necessary

artificial warmth

we drink more wine, know that well be out soon, well be down the drain. the creases of your hands suggest wedding rings, suggest sawdust and too much sun and the incessant strumming of guitar strings. your fingers are gutterbound leaves. we are under bridges in car parks, in the underbelly of this something that we swim beneath, pretend to live in. we scale buildings, sketch skyscrapers untill they become us. we are spires of cement. we pretend to love the mist in the morning rising off of cold water, the ice that paints our windows with heiroglyphics. really they just leave us cold and we're all about artificial warmth. you can see it in this smile.

you say you love me but you cut the syllables all wrong, your broken boned, disjointed speech stings my eyelids, turns my knuckles white sometimes.

and i say it, just to scare you,

what if i die? you'll wonder why you spent so much time loving something this temporary when you could have been with something that lived forever.

you stopped painting highways and landscapes and the inside of your mother's hands when you met.

i'm giving you back whatever i took from you.