better

and then there are good nights that make up for the less than acceptable nights :)

you wake up in the afternoon and the sun is shining

take me to the riot

It was one of those days where you wake up and you have no phone and you keep missing phone calls and you want to go back to sleep but you can't because your family has this need to wake you up at 9 am to make sure you're alive. and you go back and forth walk in circles think about the papers, the projects, the 400 pages of reading that you have to miraculously finish and your brain won't allow for it, and misplaced cousins and finally you get to the right place in the right time and you do the checklist, find everyone else along the way leave catch a million buses miss a million seabuses, find your misplaced cousin, try to make the really weird altercation your cousin gets in with a really drunk guy on the seabus less awkward for everyone else and fail miserably and take a million more buses walk up a million hills and it's already eleven and its pissing rain and you have a fucking affro and you're on antibiotics and they don't seem to work for shit and you're not supposed to drink but you've already blown all of your money on stellas and white wine and you walk in and the bathroom has no doors and there's a wall covered in crayons so you can draw your face, write your name, scribble narcissistic somethings, and you have to take your shoes off and there's too many people you don't know and you don't feel like dancing and your head is pounding and the walls start crawling towards you and you have to run outside, jacketless and infected with disalligned vision into the carport and you sit there because sometimes you get too clausterphobic and freaked out and fucking paranoid about nothing and your cousin is telling you to dance and everyone is drunk and everyone else is trying to get to that point and sometimes you find it depressing that we cant kiss and converse without substances, even though you're as guilty of this as anyone else there you feel like you are the only fucking person out of all those fucking unshoed sets of feet who feels like that. and your boyfriend finds you and you feel like cellophane and sandpaper and if-you-touch-me-i-might-accidentally-tear-your-face-off. You know that feeling where you feel contagious and unwanted and something and so definably seperate from everyone there and so and so forgets to shake your hand and for some reason that really just fucking breaks your heart on certain days. there's good days and there's bad days and people keep stumbling across you in the fucking carport and you're all disheveled and you feel like all the pieces of you have fallen out of your pockets and now they're under the rug and they're paving the streets that these people all walk on and everyone's stepping all over. so you take a cab and the cab driver stops at red lights that don't exist so he can charge you an extra five bucks, and refuses to accept your debit, drives you to the bank and refuses to give you your change. and it's pouring rain and your boyfriend is pissed beyond belief and you can't breathe because you're shivering and you walk down the yellow line in the road just because you can and sometimes it makes you feel almost invincible. and then you try and stay awake untill your cousin comes home untill you wake up and its 4 in the morning and hes nowhere to be found and you don't have his cellphone number and you feel responsible for dragging him to deep cove parties you ditched out on for the fun of dick taxi drivers and anxiety attacks and boyfriend's who are so understanding of your insanity it almost makes you cry because it shouldn't even be possible.

and that was pretty much my day and i want it to end please and thankyou

and i'm going to sing in front of you and call my doctor and get over my fear of heights and dancing and suddenly people. i didnt used to feel like this about things. i didnt used to be this restrained. i need to let go of all of this stuff, but i feel like it might take a very long time to get back to freedom. does that make sense?

here we are and there we go

now and lately

life.

it's been sangria and stained carpets and laughing and lost downtown and sometimes the lights are blinding, make your eyelids flicker and lift in slow motion. It's been movies about trains, asleep on the couch fat burger and fruit salad for breakfast. It's been acoustic guitars and the sounds of the ocean and tidal pools and tequila in red water bottles. doctor's offices and the oldest of friends and trying to finally get back in the swing of things, textbooks and page numbers and post it notes. movies and skipping records and pizza times 4300 sitting by the fire listening to things, listening to the beautiful people i know sing and it sounds like sirens and church bells and this weird collision of noises terrifying but also beautiful. drawing naked people and dreaming of swimming. eagles and hawks and kissing without even breathing or making a sound and my feet are tangled in the bed sheets. lost and found telephones a million miles of ferries walks buses car rides. baked cookies and figure skating on tv and movie dates in china town with best friends after dark and when we walked home i could feel all the lights turning off behind us. annie hall and the green mile on tv after midnight. hot showers where i could taste the steam rising off of my skin. i like it when you smile, i like the webs between your fingers. green moss and lighthouses and crooked cliffs and sunstreaked cheeks. more bus rides, friends, a dozen donuts and we're dripping wet and telling stories, remembering things. watching you and you fall into something that's not love but it's something. welches always save me from starvation, fuck yeah. i found a million scraps of stories, poems, songs hidden on my laptop. im remembering that i love to write. it's like the stuff i create isnt really mine because i never remember writing any of it, i always just stumble across them in bathroom drawers, hidden folders on my computer, unpublished drafts in my blog and assume i must have produced them

it's a little bit terrifying

i wish my hangers lined up and i want to go shopping on cordova, main st, everywhere but i'm too poor

i've got to start saving for mexico how am i going to pull this off

sometimes i wish i had one of those rainbow parachutes from elementary school and i could make myself wings.

i wish that on days like today where im bored and listless i could take the initiative to get out of bed and make something beautiful, or even learn to use my camera and paint brushes

maybe today will be the day to change everything

feeling neglected by people gets old

lately i feel like people forget about me because im always buried in books and buses and running around and i painted my walls and cut my hair and it took me a few hours but im starting to like the changes. now to excercise. get a job. take time to paint nebulas. feel at home with myself and maybe then stop feeling like an afterthought or something

unsure about residence

and courses

and wallpaper

but you're never sure

so sometimes you just have to let go and stop pulling at the edges and just fall freely

i know its shallow

but i would do anything to have my hair back please

i feel like a third grade teacher

ive always equated hair with beautiful

ive never felt so ugly in my entire life

five hours of drawing my face so far today

at least five more to go

school is kicking my ass

and my eye is too far to the right

BUT ITS SO GOOD it would be shitty to erase it. considering redrawing the rest of my face around it

AHHHH

i want you to know that everything is okay

also i want to go to school in greece

and my parents seem to support me?!

NO WAY

:)