good morning america

 

good morning america

i see you’ve stopped trying to go to sleep

on time

stopped trying to dream before

the walls and the winged and wicked things

wake

up

and the poltergeist in your basement

starts

walking

and pounding on the windowpanes

his fingers are invisible

and his outline is more real

than your own borders

which are painted on my skin in

the inky black of nights spent awake

in train cars that rumble like the end

of the world

i am black piano keys

bound by black electrical tape
which prevents me from spreading black fingers

to five star your wife across the face

which i would never do

in the first place

America

and it’s not because i think shes pretty

and now you won’t look at me

you're blind with ambition.

somewhere behind the pulpit

i heard you say

the sun always rises in the morning

and colours everything with light

 

there's a stranger in my living room

strangers who know your face, boys who hold you untill you stop shaking, really amazing pizza, open windows, jurassic park, best friends who fall asleep on your floor, strawberry tarts, summer time, voodoo children, making out in the middle of intersections, remembering who your friends are and who's only pretending, graduating and losing your diploma, black tea lemonades, music that makes me feel everything

this is what makes life liveable

i think you come from another world

so robert smith, why do you wear so much black when you're really just a hopeless romantic?

our love is quicksand

i think courtney love is kind of wonderful. even when shes skeletal and falling over with too-long fingernails. 

crazy to think that real life starts after this summer

i've been dreaming about backseats and seatbelts and armageddon 

ive been drinking freshly squeezed lemonade with best friends and thrifting and falling asleep before midnight and climbing every broken escalator on the north shore. 

peoples faces make me smile

i found myself noticing and feeling and wanting today, its nice to feel like a regular human being sometimes

plus we totally stole sushi and saw some taxidermists and twelve year old cigarette smokers and talked about the meanings of words like morose and love and obligations and happiness

animals

people are sometimesvultures and i'm a maybesparrow

you leave fox footprints behind you when you walk, slant your eyes in the sunshine

i hate those zebra stripes and leopard spots, the way they camouflage before i can catch them with fish hooks and butterfly nets. now i've got asymetrical scars on the back of my hand, the shape of orion and all the nameless constellations cut into me like i'm made of wood and nails

but then things get quiet and gregory and the hawk is playing and im not really sorry and the sun wallpapers my room and i sleep on my floor and the brick wall is painted blue and i remember everything is still laughable and i like the way you smell and when we build fires and lie on your rug and i tell you ill miss you and you tell me you'll miss me more than anything else except we dont say these things in words, we write them in heiroglyphics on eachothers skin and i like gross men in wife beaters who hit on you just to make you laugh and rose bushes and stray dogs with enormous ears and the dark and the sound of rain on your roof and knowing that things will be okay i just need to remember how to fall asleep. and i like sunset rubdown really a lot and i still like introspective boys who send me 45049494 word messages and this weekend and maybe i could have wings made of kites

i need to dye my hair black and paint my fingernails and remember that im always what i want to be if i want it in the right way

i also like paisley and passing tests and waking up in the morning when you dont really have to get out of bed and sushi and sometimes talking to your mother about things because sometimes mothers know their shit

and i like teeter totters and cups of coffee in the pouring rain without umbrellas

i like looking forward to things and the seconds right before the bell rings and crayon colours and hair that needs cutting

ahhhhh

i think i could start to love everything again because we all know i believe in love

so are you??

i hope so too.

i don't practice santeria (thankyouverymuch)

this weekend

i lost a lot of eyelashes and made a lot of really nice wishes

i ate with my fingers and laughed at the moon and improved my night vision 

sometimes i think that the alley kids are brick wall wonderful and my best friends are more beautiful than oil paintings and rose petals and all those perceived snippets of perfection

i kissed in empty fields and to ancient curtis mayfield records and you said you liked the inside of my hands

i dreamed about armageddon and fire a lot

i listened to sublime in the sunshine and wrote my name with splintered sticks

i ate with stolen silverware

life is wonderful

no mysteries

i am listening to the knife, and watching my skin peel off

wondering whats going on

thinking of

early mornings. running across empty highways. almost obsolete best friends. paisley carpets. guitar strings. dreaming that makes you feel as though your sinking underwater. dim lighting. "it's so nice to actually enjoy silence with someone." empty stairwells at night time. i spy. music notes and treble clefs. brick walls. backs of churches. cigarette smoke in our walls. light from the television screen. 50 cent incense. hippies and gypsies and waterfalls. traffic lights. my camera cant flash fast enough. records and second hand clothing. facesfacesfaces. stories about alkatraz. secrets on postcards. all the garbage i left in my bedroom. i miss everyone already.

the quiet when you look at me and i realize that you havent forgotten. 

oh how i miss nelson already :)

you love me like.....

hey i just realized that i thoroughly enjoy being me

huh

beginnings and beginnings of beginnings come after the epilogue sometimes

world, i have come to the conclusion that you have some sort of emotional baggage and have concocted a very fucked up plan for vengeance on most of the people in my life and therefore me. I think this isn't very nice and you always used to be one of those people who pays for lunch and is all about eskimo kisses and hand written thankyous.

...

or maybe its me?

Resolutions 1-5

i will wake up happy

i will try

or at least try to try

i will read more e.e. cummings

i will remember that life has always had a sense of humour and that i should too

i will pay attention to peoples feelings

especially now because i have none

for some weird reason

that sounded angsty 

but really 

they're just

unexplainably

mia

and i will write more about alkatraz and houses with too many windows and all the whatevers and remember that soon

this will be funny

i can be cruel but let me be gentle with you

preparing grad presentations is gross but joni mitchell is not.

Because You Were Sad

i thought id give you some lurkable happiness, heres a whole bunch of things that made me smile and will make you go "Aha! that happened to me yesterday!"

a) I was just sitting staring at the ceiling thinking how much i would love my itunes if it could play some ladytron and TADA! Seventeen was playing! followed by brand new colony and some pink floyd :) 

b) i love red lipstick. im wearing it now for no apparent reason

c) i am about to go light saber shopping

d) i really really like introspective boys who will take the time to write me facebook messages that have to be sent in three parts about why they love the yeah yeah yeahs and remixes and being alone. gkjhdkjfhl. kind of makes my heart feel almost alive again.

e) i finished my first story since i started and finished dating will. i think this means something. i think it might be beautiful

f) i think if theres poetry club tomorrow you will hear it

g) i was thinking about this movie of the autistic boy who drew the entire city of san francisco after seeing it from a helicopter. i like that it makes me retardedly happy

h) i get to make ballgowns out of recycled clothing this week and im so excited

i) susie q has been resurrected for the fourth time

j) there was a rainbow yesterday

k) the way smiles change some peoples faces, totally saw this 10 times today. there are certain people and when they smile i think everything everywhere could be okay. 

l) everything will be okay, okay?

there's a ghost in me who wants to say im sorry

this doesn't mean i'm sorry

(whydoihavesomuchhomeworkandsomuchloveforladytronandnotenoughforanythingandididtwopaintingstodaywhichwasggoodbutnohomeworkwhichmeansiwillbeuptillatleast2amahhh

lets dance to joy division, let the love tear us apart

i love basement makeout sessions and joy division and dinners with 24 people that somehow manage to be fun and new black dresses

and so i've found boys who are better kissers, boys who are more attractive, boys who are more willing to talk at a regular speed, boys with the exact same music library as me, boys who will willingly go to the art gallery with me, boys who checked our astrological compatability before the first date, boys who will converse with my friends

but for some reason i cant seem to bring myself to like them back. 

generation x-wing

"it's times like this when you close your eyes and kiss cause everything after this is just bullshit and being cruel"

(matt good, i'm pretty sure my tiny masochistic, self indulgent, paradoxical heart is tied around your wrist. you can keep it until i want it back again.)

i hate the sun

i should probably go live in alaska or dig a gigantic underground world so i can live, completely independent of SPF 60

i hate sunburns, even when they come as the result of three and a half hour conversations with amazingly wonderful slowtalking boys (who are now my friends? ta da i am magical at fixing retarded relationships) and a pile of free records found on street corners with friends named muffin and late night karaoke in volvos (free fallin' was the track of choice for tonight) followed by gelato and bubble tea and hijacked mcdonalds fries with girls who are prettier than me and boys id neverrr consider dating

and that wassss a good day :)

aloe vera is a miracle

i promise to never neglect sunscreen again. even on cloudy days.