This Is Not Meant to Offend

I found that my dad's work computer has sudoku

i fucking LOVE sudoku

ahhhhh, its beautiful. i am a sudoku MASTERR

yesterday was yesterday was yesterday. I saw regina spektor slamming on chairs and piano keys and everything else and i love the orpheum, crystal chandeliers swinging ,painted ceilings and pencil skirts and it was so nice to see Karly, Laura, Sarah and even weirdly satisfying to see Quinn the enigma who i feel like i know right down to his skeleton even though we've barely spoken. best friends of best friends always seem known, ive vicariously lived next to him, jumped fences with him, smoked joints built fires laughed untill i cried with him i don't know. sometimes i think my sense of empathy compromises my sense of self. does that make sense? sort of? I finally talked to Zak which was nice, I think it would be really great to be friends again but other people don't share this sentiment which makes me feel uncomfortable, like my arms and legs have to bridge gaps and i have to balance saying with not saying with trying really hard not to breakdown

im starting to feel a bit like my emotional instability could be a breaking point between me and the people i love most. it already is becoming one and i'm a little bit terrified of how this is going to pan out. i really want to isolate myself from everyone right now so i don't become a complicating factor in their lives. But people think i'm purely being distant, avoidant. There's just some stuff you have to work out for yourself, when you have to repaint your skin and you have to balance the time it takes to rebuild your parameters with school and family and seeing people and trying to have time for the things you love and trying to take care of your responsibilites and considering jobhood, lifehood, adulthood

just thinking about all of this overwhelms me

i feel like i have this need to talk about life and paint and art and emotions and the little consequential beautiful slivers of everything and love. love is such a deep canyon that i cant even begin to comprehend all of it's innumerable complexities, hidden just below the surface, just below the ground. I feel like it's hard for me to talk about the surface and I feel like when this is expected of me i feel frustrated, limited, empty, and just generally a little disenchanted with the shallowness of some people's perspectives. I'm not saying that there is a right or wrong way to think and i don't want to come off as condescending, pretentious, wiser-than-thou because that's bullshit. It's just different ways to live, to see and for myself, personally, it's hard to consider going back to the surface of things when life in the canyon feels so much more real, even if it seems somewhat empty, with infrequent but amazing visitors. I feel like I'm compromising or limiting the me that's ACTUAL if i stick with this sort of shallow life. there's the facade and then there's me, everyone has these crazy layers but i just don't need the facade anymore because me is just fine. Me just doesn't necessarily fit into the old parameters. ( i know this is abstract but is this nonsensical? it's my instinctive feeling right now and im untying the knots of my frustrations i guess)

and love is love is indescribable. it's when all your limbs overlap and the other person's fingers actually feel like your own when they're wrapped in yours, the borders are gone and in the takeitorleaveit game of association you are taking it with all that comes wrapped around, tangled in it, addictions, frustrations, flaws, fuck it. it's yours and you're okay with that. you are actually so happy to have the ability and the strength to BE THERE through that. it's not complications that scare you away (although i am aware that this can come off the wrong way, naive even. If the complications are too big for you, so monumental that they threaten to bulldoze your own walls, your own definitions and in so doing compromise your identity you should stray. this is understandable) Just so often people are in it for this fairweather love where when everything's happy, kissing cheeks, no problems, having sex, its love. It's not love, it hasn't even been tested. its convenience and idealized notions and laziness and so often inconsiderate.

when people say things like i'm impressed you're stil in a relationship, or isnt that hard, or does so and so have issues? how can you deal with that? i actually want to slap them across the face. Unless the issues are big enough to leave your sense of YOU a casuality, if you're still intact (and to be honest with you: most problems are manageable, serious, debilitating drug addiction and chemical inbalances are not manageable. i'm not trying to trivialise these things) it just seems demeaning, selfish, and downright lazy to question that person's worth and relevance in your life based on their problems. It seems fucking inconsiderate to cast that person off, to shrug or laugh at their problems and claim that yours are bigger, that you don't have time for theirs, and expect them to come back and listen to your bullshit and have empathy towards you.

empathy has to work both ways.

a friendship, relationship, whatever is completely empty when someone's going through something that defies your sheltered conceptions of what's okay and instead of caring you say fuck it, fuck you, fuck this. You're intensifying their problems and you can't expect them to trust you, confide in you, or want to surround themselves with you if you're exemplifying this kind of bullshit lazy selfishness.

Because, lets face it, LIFE is beyond those OKAY parameters. Life is ups and downs and addictions and homeless people splayed out under comforters on the bus route we take everyday that you dont see because youve become desensitized to everything that lies beyond the parameters of LA LA LA life is okay. fuck that okay is a trivial noncomital overused word that means fuck-all today. life is wars life is guns life is heart attacks and almost dead and praying for people you don't even know even if youre not completely sure about god's existence, just because you recogniase that out there there is hurt and brain tumors and desolation and decay and leprosy and disease and isolation and inebriated untill he hits someone and coughing up blood in blue painted dumpsters and amphetamines and babies born addicted to meth

I'm not trying to suggest that life is an insurmountable obstacle, that life is a montage of tragedies

i solemnly believe that underneath this ugliness there is compassion, there is beauty, there is art, there is love

i believe that life even in the worst times is worth living because there are licked lollipops, alligned horzons, first kisses, sunshine that clings to hair, beautiful eyes, hopeful smiles, holes in jeans, rainbows in midafternoon, snowstorms that trap you where you want to be, strangers who will someday grow to love you like youre their only living relative, people who will find the meaning of life and keep it hidden under their bed, tied to the roof of their mouths, because its different for everyone. to think that there is a universal meaning of life underestimates individualism. beautiful myths that were maybe true and will one day maybe reestablish their trueness, unbrushed hair, scuffed shoes, pink cheeks, smudged lipstick but still smiling, kisses with meaning, hands that fit perfectly, life changing novels, words worth using,


i believe that there's a sliver of something intangible and wonderful in all of us

i dont want to conceptualise this and call it soul

but its something comparable to that

i wholeheartedly believe in it's existence, i feel like its in our hands. or maybe its more like the aura, that imperceptible indescribable something that art historians claim certain pieces have. I mean aura in that sense, not a halo of feathery purple light or that bullshit.

But i don't know sometimes i find it difficult. i don't like to talk about sex, about closeness, because i feel like that in itself is something that you share with someone you love and yourself, keep it like a secret and sometimes it can make you smile but it shouldnt be divulged in detail, no one should really be privvy to the details just because that kind of trivialisation of something that, in my opinion, stands for so much more than what our society claims it does, just seems disresepectful. in a way youre compromising yourself and the other party in making whats private public. It makes me sad more than anything. Especially societies totally inconsistent views of sex, it is both subject to taboo yet its also been commercialised, sold as a product, targetting our most base human desires. It's disgusting and i think its truly manipulative of people, not to mention it gives a generation the notion that sex is fine, casual sex is great, and often that that's all that sex is, just an outlet for your horny fantasies that can happen with anyone. Yet for myself, even in times where i've wanted to adopt that attitude towards all romantic interractions, i havent been able to. i think that problematic inconsistency that our culture expresses towards sex leaves a lot of us feeling like "yes this is okay" but then afterwards, we experience the shame and the guilt. That's because we're not really hardwired to be slaves to our hormones, or our desires. we're hardwired to love and be loved and i think that closeness needs to be there prior to sex and i think that if it exists at all you're not going to divulge things that should otherwise be kept secret, because your love and your intimacy towards and with this person basically doesnt allow you too. it feels wrong, immoral, and gregarious to talk about that.

And i absolutely hate how women so blindly objectify themselves and guys are okay continuing this sort of patriarchal model of sex and intimacy where they lie there in the fucking boxers their mom bought them at fucking zellers where girls parade around in lacy bras, negligees, whatnot. It seems unfair that women are expected to prance around for men as sexual objects even though i thought this sort of sense of submissive sexual repression was a thing we'd forgone, it still manifests itself and no one seems to notice. Girls feel good about themselves when they illicit whatever amorous response they're striving for. When did our level of sexual experience and skill become a factor in determining our self worth or social status? I find that in itself degrades any sort of personal emotional needs and TRUE identity, the kind of identity that goes beyond the surface "the canyon identity" if you will. I also feel that it degrades sex and contextualizes it as an act, rather than an extension of closeness and intimacy between two people.

sex is a product, it's a fucking brand name that we write across our chest and brag about to our friends and i think it's disgusting and depressing that is been reduced to that.

even the purely animalistic sex as reproduction exceeds this model in it's respectability, and it just seems ironic how much we trivialise and reduce important concepts. progress doesnt exist, evolution is what? define societal evolution.


its just terrifying when you open your eyes up to all of these bizarre social norms, structures, and all the preconceived notions that we adopt, not for ourselves. it seems more like we are adoptED by some sort of social network, some sort of sociocultural identity which we write on our foreheads without questioning.

this frightens me.