insomnia

weird to think and know that there are so many people doing what i want to do that would rather be doing what im doing which is sometimes, often exactly what i don't want to be doing

this weekend has been textbooks, earthquakes and landmines and doing a month's work of readings/quizzes/assignments in two days. also prank calls and margharitas, which was good but other than that, my face is scribbled with blue pen and i'd really love to brush my hair. once i finish this it's midterms and papers but THEN

it's cabins on vancouver island and beach combing in the rain and hopefully painting at my cabin and hopefully seeing my cousin. i desperately need to go shopping, i'd like some new wooly cardigans and second hand books that i won't have a chance to read for awhile. i feel like starting over again. its always nice to do that, cut off your hair and do your laundry and let things feel new.

I KEEP SAYING THAT

but this time i mean it

change can only happen once you start, right?

i applied for residence, could be interesting. i'm a social person. ive spent all year pretending not to be. it just results in me biting my fingernails more. i'm sometimes so terrified that things won't turn out with the boy if i change stuff but it's inevitable and it's happening, the floor is sliding out from under us. i've been feeling a little neglected lately.

i've also been feeling something else but i'm not sure what it is

actually i know

it's bitter

but i'm not sure why

i am really fucking bitter because of you and nothing and everything and i don't know exactly

lately i only have the chance to blog when i'm half awake and pmsing so i apologise for the angst, life's pretty okay

and last weekend was one of my favourites!

i just feel like i'm looking for something and i already know what it is but i have to fall back asleep to remember it